What do you do then?
Well, the BBC - with our licence fee - welcome you back with open arms and you're all over the corporation's channels like shit in a field. Like the bad penny, you're turning up everywhere.
Who am I referring to?
Adrian bloody Chiles.
I will never understand the appeal of this man, with his face which resembles a lump of putty which someone's stabbed a couple of fags out in, his drawling Brummie accent and his arrogance in complete contrast to his utter lack of likeability.
Chiles made his name as a somewhat quirky presence on BBC2's otherwise impenetrable daytime financial programme Working Lunch. But being amusing whilst talking about the FTSE does not a TV personality make, though the BBC obviously thought differently and shaped him for primetime with roles on The One Show, Match of the Day 2 and The Apprentice: You're Fired. Chiles spat his dummy out when told he had to make way for Chris Evans in the Friday night slot of The One Show and jumped ship to ITV (taking The One Show co-presenter Christine Bleakley with him) for disastrous breakfast television show Daybreak. His contract was reported to be £1million per year - big money for little return as Daybreak folded, along with other projects such as That Sunday Night Show. Chiles clung on to presenting duties of the channels football coverage but was dropped with immediate effect in early 2015 to the delight of fans of the sport who absolutely loathed him - seriously, type in his name on YT, and you saw dozens upon dozens of videos showing up his mistakes, slagging him off and calling for his sacking. Most amusingly, is the one where he tries to talk to camera whilst the crowds chant 'Adrian Chiles! You're a wanker!'
That should have been the end really. In any other world, flop after flop after flop would spell that. But no, he has come crawling back to the BBC this week to present My Mediterranean With Adrian Chiles a religious programme-cum-travelogue. Great, throw money at him, plus a holiday! Chiles is clearly no fool, he's spotted an opening in religious programming that will immediately find him appeal with some viewers who feel their faith is not addressed fully enough in today's primetime TV schedules, and he's been appearing on This Week and even The One Show to promote this new programme (or rather commandeer the shows he's guesting on with his incessant jabber) and how, ten years ago he converted to Catholicism. Strangely, the clip they showed announced that he was attending confession for the first time in eight years - so, clearly he only really committed to his new faith for two years, right? It's funny how devout people will appear for cash and it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that its someone like Chiles pulling this stunt.
Quite why we're paying for this irritant to appear on our TV once again, acting all high and mighty about how 'the media had turned its back on religion' (for religion, read 'me') is beyond me. He should be on the scrapheap where he belongs.
He is, as Stewart Lee, once said; "A talking toby jug filled to the brim with hot piss"